STRONG, SILENT AND INVISIBLE:
A Toolkit for Men Experiencing Miscarriage
- Do your friends ask how your partner is doing after a miscarriage, but don’t ask about you?
- Do you feel marginalized, as if everyone thinks only she is impacted by the miscarriage?
- Do you feel like it’s your job to be strong for her, with no emotions of your own?
Culturally, men are expected to be strong, silent and emotionally invisible after miscarriage. It is almost assumed that they have no emotions of their own.
At Life Perspectives, we understand how marginalized men can feel after a miscarriage. Even information for men on miscarriage may be hard to find. And when you do find resources for men after miscarriage, they’re often focused on helping your partner.
What about you?
Men’s reactions to miscarriage are as unique as fingerprints. If you do experience grief or other emotions after miscarriage, what do you do? You know what to do when a grandparent dies, but what do you do when you lose a child through miscarriage? This lack of a cultural process causes “disenfranchised grief,” or grief that isn’t publicly recognized. This makes you less likely to express your thoughts and feelings, although this is a critical part of the grieving process.
3 Things to Remember
To help you process your miscarriage, remember these 3 things:
- You are not alone.
- You have the right to grieve. Any emotions that you are experiencing are valid emotions.
- There are steps that you can take to help yourself.
Most people believe that miscarriage is rare, yet 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 1 out of 4. Truly, you are not alone.
5 Steps for You: Opening Up about Miscarriage
If you are experience grief after miscarriage, this toolkit can help you! Here are our recommended steps to finding your path to peace.
- Visit of our website MiscarriageHurts.com. Start with the Building Support section. This page provides a structure for you to create safe and healthy communications with friends and family about your miscarriage experience.
- Recognize that you are not alone. On the Stories section of our website, you will see many anonymous stories, written by people who have experienced miscarriage, including many written by men. (Note: some of these stories are raw and powerful and may be difficult to read.) Posting your own anonymous story could help you too.
- Express Your Loss. If you are more comfortable expressing your emotions online, use our hashtag #ForgetMeNot2020 to start an online conversation about your loss.
- Check out these resources. Life Perspectives has provided a list of articles and resources below, just for you. The more you explore, the more you’ll realize that your feelings are natural and normal, and that you are not alone.
- Support Groups and therapy. Yes, you can go to support groups and seek therapy if you need it! If you can’t find a support group in your area, perhaps create your own? You’ll be surprised at how many other men are processing their own miscarriage experiences.
- The Miscarriage Association (UK) offers a toolkit for partners who experience miscarriage, including a booklet on men and miscarriage.
- Health Direct (Australia) also offers a toolkit for Fathers and Miscarriage.
- Men often use metaphors to cope with their partner's miscarriage, a research study.
- From Man To Man After Miscarriage: Honest Talk about Marriage and Loss, part of the Men and Miscarriage Series by Adriel Booker.
- “The person who is most often forgotten in a family bereaved by a miscarriage is the father." Explore your feelings and read up on facts about men and miscarriage from the Men’s Health Forum (Ireland).
Articles: Men and Miscarriage
Quotes that may resonate with you from these articles:
- “I wasn’t sure I even had a right to feel devastated.”
- “I became a stoic, unperturbable oak tree for her.”
- “Hey, I’m not the one who lost the baby, so what right do I have to be taking up her emotional bandwidth with my issues?”
- One father shares his personal journey of miscarriage and stillbirth for Baby Loss Awareness Week, Hello Magazine
- Men are the Forgotten Grievers in Miscarriage, Time Magazine
- Men also grieve miscarriages. We have no idea what to do about it., Washington Post
- How Miscarriage Affects Men – One Husband’s Story, Parents.com
- Men need space to talk about miscarriage too, Huffington Post
- Man in A Panic: Miscarriage from a Man's Point Of View, Men’s Health Forum
- Why do we Forget Men when We Talk about Miscarriage?, Unherd